It's a regular box with a hole in the bottom.
Now, I put the cotton in. This is great.
Now, you put the finger through, just like that.
- How's that? - That's great.
It looks like a dead finger. Just a little ketchup, looks like blood.
- Watch this. - Hey, guys.
- Watch this. - What are you doing?
Ralph's getting ready to pull a prank. Just watch.
Wait, here comes Marsha. She's gonna scream.
- Cherry phosphate for the clean liver. - Thanks.
Double sundae for the kid whose teeth must be rotting right out of his head.
Marsha, some of the guys felt
that since you've been putting up with us so unselfishly,
well, we feel that you deserve a little present.
So we all chipped in to get you this.
Okay. What is it?
No, thanks. I just had a big lunch.
You're not as funny as you used to be, Ralph.
You can't hit every time. Was Milton Berle funny last night?
- Yeah. - I didn't think so.
Can we have your attention?
The Dukes. What are they doing here?
They probably ran out of people to beat up in their own neighbourhood.
I hear whispering.
This is Frankie Molina, supreme leader of the Dukes, here on business.
- I'm looking for a red-headed kid. - He's looking for a red-headed kid.
- Who was on our turf. - Who was on our turf.
Were you on our turf today?
Oh, no, no, not me. I'd never go in that neighbourhood.
Not that there's anything wrong with it, it's nice.
Nice trees, nice streets, nice neighbourhood.
How about you, Red? Were you on Duke turf today?
I guess so.
Frankie, there's your pigeon.
I had to run an errand.
Did you meet a girl there and walk her home?
Well, just a little girl. Some kids were picking on her so I stopped it,
and I took her home, but I don't even know her name.
- My name's Frankie Molina. - I'm Richie Cunningham.
That was my kid sister you took care of.
I wanted to say thanks.
And I owe you one.
You're welcome on Duke turf anytime.
Thanks. Thanks.
- Hey, punk, is that your school ring? - Yeah.
That's nice, let me see it.
Yeah, that's nice.
Are they gone?
Yeah, Ralph, you can pull your cap up now.
They're not so tough.
They're lucky I didn't lose my temper. If I had, would've been too bad for them.
Right. You can take your hand out of the sundae now, Potsie.
I can't eat that now. You eat it.
Anyway, Rich, I'll tell you one thing.
You made yourself a good friend today.
Yeah, Frankie Molina's not such a bad guy.
He's a hood.
He hangs around the pool hall with a bunch of tough guys.
And you know they've all been in trouble with the police?
Yeah, but, Dad, maybe it's not his fault.
Maybe he's just a victim of society.
Frankie Molina is the leader of the Dukes voluntarily.
Society did not hold an election to vote him into office.
What are you doing, Marion?
Did somebody call me?
What are you doing in the garbage can?
Oh, I'm cleaning it, dear, you missed a spot.
But, Marion, it doesn't have to be spotless, it's just a garbage can.
Well, not to the garbage men. It's their livelihood.
I'll tell you what,
when they stop running over our lids, I'll gift-wrap the garbage.
- That's nice, dear. - Dad, I'm telling you,
Frankie Molina is not that bad.
He even told me he owes me a favour.
Yeah, he's gonna let you choose which arm he's gonna break.
What are we arguing for? He's a hoodlum.
Hey, Rich. Hi, Mr. C, hi, Mrs. C.
Potsie, tell Dad.
Didn't you think Frankie Molina was an all-right guy today?
Oh, yeah, he was a real pal.
Right up to the time he and his friends stole my bike.
Maybe we should call the police.
No, that'd be like squealing.
I don't wanna be known as Potsie the squealer.
You'd rather be known as Potsie, the kid without a bike.
- How about buying your bike back? - Buy my own bike?
Maybe you could get a good deal on it, it's used.
There's gotta be a better way.
Maybe if we said pretty please with sugar on top.
There's only one thing they understand. Brute force.
Somebody ought to go down and teach those guys a lesson.
No violence while I'm serving. Move the books.
- Double malt, rainbow sprinkles? - Here.
Fighting's no good. Guys can get hurt. I can get hurt.
Somebody should go down there and just ask for the bike back.
- They might listen to reason. - Double burger, no onions.
- That may be worth a try. - I think so.
Come on, burger, no onions. Who's the kid with good breath?
- That's mine. - I should have known.
Richie's right. Someone should go down and reason with them first.
- Ralph will lend you his car. - Here's the keys.
Wait a minute. Why should I be the one?
It was your idea. You're best buddies with their leader.
- Black cow? - That's right,
Frankie said he owed you a favour.
Come on, who gets the black cow?
I'd rather not go to Dukes' turf to collect. I could get beat up.
You don't have to worry.
I go through Duke territory all the time and nobody lays a hand on me.
I have rotten luck.
- Hi, Fonzie. - Hey, Cunningham, which is cooler?
The mirrors up like this at an angle, or down like this, straight?
Well, I think you can see better with them down at an angle.
Hey, I don't wanna see where I've been.
I wanna see how cool I look getting there.
- Oh, then up at an angle, definitely. - Thanks.
Fonzie? I have a problem.
Yeah? Well, you just got a second problem.
- What is it? - I ain't interested in your first.
The Dukes stole Potsie's bicycle.
Well, how is that your problem?
I'm going down there to get it back.
Hey, let me tell you, that's really gutsy,
getting punched out for a friend.
I mean, that really is gutsy. It's also very stupid.
Well, I was kind of hoping that you might be able to give me
some tips on how to handle the Dukes.
Oh, yeah, no problem. You just go in, show them like you mean business,
and punch out the biggest guy.
Oh, I don't think I could ever do that.
Yeah, it works every time. You punch out the biggest guy,
then those other bananas will think twice before jumping you.
Fonzie,
I don't think I could ever punch out the biggest guy.
I'm not even sure I could punch out the littlest one.
Can you rabbit punch?
I haven't had much experience.
Kicking, can you kick?
No, kicking's not one of my better talents.
- Can you write? - Yeah.
Make out a will.
Hey, Pop, your machine's broke. I didn't get no change back.
I don't see nothing, I just work here.
Sir, is Frankie here?
I don't know nothing, I just work here.
- Well, look who's here. - Hi.
Listen, I didn't get your name at Arnold's.
They call me Squirt.
- Hi, Squirt. - They call me Squirt.
You call me Mr. Squirt.
Right. Mr. Squirt.
Hey, what are you? A kamikaze or something?
Don't you know this is Dukes' turf?
Well, yeah, but I just came down here to see Frankie.
Oh, you're looking for Frankie.
Hey, you Frankie?
You Frankie?
Hey, Pop, what about you? You Frankie?
I don't know nothing, I just work here.
Hey, it looks like we're fresh out of Frankies, how about a hamburger?
Well, I just thought Frankie might know where my friend's bike is.
Well, what makes you think that?
What's the matter? You never seen a bike before?
That is... I mean, I think that's my friend's bike.
What would it be doing here? You're not saying we stole it?
No, I didn't say that, you did.
Don't ever use the word "stole" around here.
It makes us crazy, right, guys?
- Right, Pop? - Yeah, crazy.
Well, listen, maybe I'll come back later when Frankie's here.
Wait, hey, come over here and identify your friend's bike.
Maybe we've seen it before.
Well,
it's blue.
Oh, this one's red.
Yeah, I know, but it's just been painted,
and you can see patches of blue underneath.
I don't see no blue spots.
It's red, man. I think you're colour-blind.
Well, what about the squirrel's tail on the handlebar?
It's yours.
Well, look, it's even got his name, Potsie, on the back of the seat.
Look, I'm pretty sure this is my friend's bike.
I mean, he was thinking about painting it red and losing the squirrel's tail
and even getting rid of his name. So why don't you just give it to me?
Come here.
Come here, I'll make you a deal.
You let us keep the bike and we'll let you keep every bone in your body.
- Fonzie, you could do it alone. - Yeah, you're like a one-man army.
You're the toughest, Fonz, how about it?
- Get lost. - Fonzie, you're our only hope.
You're the toughest, rottenest guy we know, Fonz.
Oh, I mean that in the nicest way, Fonzie, as a compliment.
Actually, you're a very nice guy, I've always said that to the guys.
- Oh, yeah, he always said it to us. - Oh, yeah, he says that sometimes.
Now, listen, if it was something big, you know, like a...
Like a Harley, or a souped-up Chevy. Or a chick, maybe.
But to bust heads over Potsie's little two-wheeler, huh?
I got an image to keep up.
At least you can give us some advice.
All right, you want some advice? Here's some advice.
There's an old saying:
"He who stands his ground but can't hold it
usually gets his nose rubbed in it."
- That's an old saying? - That's right. I made it up this morning.
And now, I am going to write it on the bathroom wall. In blue.
Excuse me.
You know, I'm good buddies with the football team.
Since when?
Since I was squad manager last season.
I taped some of the toughest ankles in town.
Potsie, they hated you.
Every time you brought the water bucket
they dumped it over your head.
They were just kidding. They're really crazy about me.
- Enough to rumble for you? - Sure.
Look, I'll bring the whole defensive line.
The Dukes will take one look at them, and we'll win the rumble by default.
Look, be at the pool hall tonight, 7:30, sharp. Be there.
Well, Potsie was right.
The Dukes have his bike at the pool hall
and we're going down there to take it back.
Richie's gonna have a rumble.
Joanie, will you take that Slinky upstairs and play with it?
- Did you hear that, Howard? - Yes, Marion, I heard.
Richard, you, Ralph and Potsie are no match
for those hoodlums down at the pool hall.
We're taking the football team with us.
Oh, that's different.
They didn't win a game all last year.
That is not different. I don't like our son fighting.
Violence never solved anything.
Like that time you tried to get Joanie's scooter back from Debbie Fitzsimmons
and Mr. Fitzsimmons punched you in the eye.
Oh, come on now, Marion, it was a lucky punch.
I had both hands on the scooter.
Besides, I thought Dad showed a lot of spunk.
The hospitals are filled with spunky people.
They probably even have a Spunky Ward.
Plus I don't like violence and neither does the president,
nor Albert Schweitzer, or Mahatma Gandhi.
Mahatma Gandhi?
Well, Richard, I hope you appreciate your mother's advice.
But I don't think it would do you any good to go on down to the pool hall
and starve yourself to death.
I heard that.
And I do agree with the part about not fighting.
Oh, we're not planning on fighting, Dad.
We're just gonna go down there and scare them with a show of strength.
Look, if I were you, I'd stay out of it.
Let the police handle it, that's the best way.
I know, Dad.
Of course, you're old enough to know right from wrong.
You can take my advice or not, as you see fit.
Thanks, Dad, I won't be out too late.
- It's very quiet in here tonight. - Is it always this quiet?
I don't know nothing, I just work here.
Hey! Guys"
Potsie. Where's the football team?
They'll be here, they'll be here, don't panic.
- I hope they get here. - What's that mean?
- Are they coming? - We've got 5 minutes.
Five minutes? Oh, no.
Do you know how much beating up the Dukes can do in five minutes?
They're here. The football team's here.
- No, they're not. - They're not here.
What do you mean they're not here?
Well, the coach is showing a film to inspire them.
Knute Rockne, All American.
You promised us the football team, and all we get is the mascot.
- I'm getting out of here. - Yeah.
Well, well, what have we got here?
The three little pigs, and the ugly duckling.
- Hey, that's my bike. - It's a beauty, ain't it?
I'd leave it outside, but some bad person is liable to steal it.
Well, I think we...
Well, we were just leaving.
- Look, we don't want any trouble. - Yeah.
Hey, they're no trouble.
No trouble at all. Punching's no trouble, is it, fellas?
Hey, Frankie, you're just in time for the action.
Hey, Richie, how you doing?
I'm fine. Just fine.
Snazzy outfit, huh? How's it grab you?
Oh, yeah, that's cool. Isn't that cool, guys?
Oh, yeah, real cool, yeah. The buttons are great.
I'm the head usher up in the balcony at the Bijou Theatre.
Oh, wow, what a great job.
- Great job, great job. - Oh, great... Really great job, yeah.
Best part comes at the late show.
When I see a couple making out like crazy?
I sneak up on them, nice and quiet, then:
I shine the flashlight on them. Boy, you wanna see popcorn fly.
That's neat, really neat.
Really neat.
They came for the bike.
It's all yours.
Hey, I told you I owed you one, didn't I?
And we Dukes always keep our word.
- Thanks, Frankie. - Hey, thanks a lot.
Hey, Frankie, I gotta show you something.
Before they leave, I think you'd like to read this.
"If the stolen bicycle is not returned in 24 hours,
the Dukes will be scraping their noses off the ceiling.
Yours truly, Potsie and his Raiders."
"Will be scraping their noses off the ceiling."
Who's Potsie?
I thought the football team was coming.
Now, this sort of changes things.
Listen, Frankie, Potsie didn't mean it, he's a real kidder.
In fact, he'll even apologise if you want him to.
I apologise, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean...
- You see, he's sorry. - Gee, I'm sorry too.
I mean, this is a real challenge, you know?
I can't let a threat like that go by without taking some action.
It's against our code.
If I were to let you get away with that, it would set a bad example for my men.
Cute. Know what I mean? You know what I mean?
- You know what he means? - I know what you mean, but...
It'll be a fair fight. Squirt, you take the duck.
- You wouldn't hit a man with a beak. - I'm a beak-buster.
You, take him. You, clobber him.
And I'll take care of Richie.
No, wait a second. I can't hit Richie, Richie's my friend.
You hit Richie. I'll take this one.
- Sir! Sir! - I don't see nothing.
I mind my own business. When you finish, lock up.
Right, Pop. Okay, Dukes, get ready to punch.
Wait a minute, this is silly.
If the bike means that much to you, then just keep it.
- But it's my bike. - Violence never solved anything.
This all started because I did something nice for a little girl.
Then you guys came and said thanks, and took my friend's bike.
Now the only way for us to get it back is if our army is bigger than your army.
What if I brought the football team to scare you guys?
What good would that do?
You'd get some more guys and pretty soon
we'd have a hundred guys standing around trying to scare each other.
Where would it all end?
We should be able to settle our problems without threats and punches.
Look at all the other countries around the world.
They learned their lesson. Now we have the United Nations.
So there won't be any more wars.
Why can't people be like governments?
Frankie, can't you see that there is honour in settling things
with words instead of punches?
That was a beautiful speech, Richie.
I mean, it really was nice.
- Thank you. - Now we punch them.
Hold it. I have to warn you that I am an expert in judo,
and that these hands are registered with the FBI as lethal weapons.
So's the chain in my pocket.
Now, unless we got some more funny business,
let's get down to some serious punching.
Hi, Richie. All right, fellas, help yourself to some cue sticks here.
Hey, Richie, let me buy you a drink, huh?
I hope I'm not interrupting anything here.
Oh, no, Fonzie, you ain't interrupting anything.
We were just talking about the United Nations...
...with our good friends here. Right, Richie?
You know, I'll tell you, that's great, because
my boys haven't had a rumble in about a week, you know.
- And getting a little itchy, you know? - Yeah, I know how it is.
But there's no trouble here.
May I?
See, that was me you caught in the balcony last Saturday.
You owe me one box of popcorn.
Right.
Let's go, YOU GUYS-
- Hey, Frankie, wait a minute. - Shut up, Squirt.
Oh, Fonzie, come by the Bijou anytime.
I'll get you in free.
And here, will you lock up when you leave?
Sure, Pop.
- Fonzie, thank you. - For what?
The Fonz comes through in the clutch. All right.
Were you really gonna belt them with cue sticks?
Hey, cool it instantaneously. These guys are not here to rumble.
I told them I knew a few guys that wanted to treat them
to free pool and drinks, huh?
- It'll cost you about 4 bucks. - Potsie, pay him. It's your bike.
- Why? I didn't invite them. - Hey, I got a great idea.
- Why don't you tell them that? - I'll pay them.
And then Fonzie came in and saved us,
and Potsie got his bike back.
I'm so relieved there wasn't any fighting.
Didn't raise my son to be a soldier.
Well, how's that?
Okay, we're all ready.
Now, you put this here, turn this on,
and watch.
They found the horses.
They're making camp down the road.
Looks funny, Dad. The sky is green and the grass is blue.
Well, you know, it's only
an $8.50 colour converter.
It's bound to have some kinks to it. There, how's that?
- Well, I don't see any colour, dear. - It looks black and white.
That's because you're looking from an angle.
You should all be right in front of it, just like I am. Come on.
- There. See? - Look at the blue tree.
- I can't see. - Oh, Joanie.
I still can't see.
Joanie, come down here in front.
What made you do it?
What made you come into our homes?
Do we have to sit this way every time we watch TV?
I guess so, until we get a colour set.
Well, it's just a good thing we're a close family.